Beautifully Broken

I was reading over some of my old notes on Facebook and came across this one. It has always been one of my favorite things I've written and reminds me of a time in my life when I had finally figured out how to fit the pain in my life without falling apart.

I'm sitting in the house that I work at, reading blogs on the internet, and listening to the rain pound on the roof and watch it run down the skylights. There's not a sound in the house, the kids are still asleep, the TV is turned off, no music on the computer, just the rain. I am reminded of the Mercy Me song, Jesus, bring the rain.

And I know there'll be days
When this life brings you pain
But if that's what it takes you to praise you
Jesus, bring the rain.

I was watching Grey's Anatomy yesterday and most of the most memorable quotes were about pain. Pain is so real, but so is the healing from Jesus Christ. There are many lessons to be learned from pain, you can't escape it, but you can control how you handle it. I am not always the best person to handle pain, I handle it all wrong, and I know that. But I also know the wonderous, miraculous healing from pain given by the one and only Heavenly Father.

The rain always paints a picture of healing for me. As the rain heals the earth, Christ heals our hearts and lives. He washes away our sins and makes us whole again. Sometimes it is treacherous, there's a lot of wind and flooding and we reach our breaking point, and sometimes it's ever so gentle and a sweet reminder that He is still there and that He loves us.

Jesus, bring the rain.

Well, it's a new year and I've been neglecting my blog. But I'm back! And I stole this from my friend Amber.

Dad is home and doing so well. He is following the doctor's instructions to the letter and is improving day by day. I am so thankful for him and pray that the time he spends at home recuperating are not for nothing and that he uses it wisely to spend with the Lord and his family.

Millie is doing so well. She's adjusting nicely and is so much fun. She likes to run laps around her cage and leap and chew on things. I can't wait to get Mollie so she will have someone to play with. She's a huge snuggler and likes to sit on my chest and nuzzle my neck, she does the same thing to Zach...it's so cute!

This month has gone by so fast, and next month will be busier than September! That's ok, I like to stay busy. Hopefully we can find time to get to San Antonio and see the Campbell's and the Reveneau's and hopefully find time to get a trip in to Dallas to see Kristen's mom. She has cancer and is going through many surgeries and chemo treatments. So if you think about, say a little prayer for her. I love her like she's my own mother and pray God leads her out of this with miracles. Her family needs her.

Sorry I haven't been writing lately, there has been a lot happening and things have been to hard and emotional to sit down and write.

My dad has always been my hero, the strongest man I know, nothing bothers him, he's always been able to defeat everything that has come in front of him, and Tuesday night, August 31, he had a heart attack. It was the scariest night of my life. I had just gotten home from work and got some mail for my uncle at the house, so I called my mom to see where she was and when I can get the mail to her. She sounded upset when I called so I asked her what was wrong and she said she was taking Dad to the hospital because he wasn't feeling well. So I quickly changed my clothes and met them there. Dad said he was having symptoms of nausea, dizziness, upper back pain and tingling in his arms and legs. He didn't think heart attack at first because it was pain in his back, not his chest. The doctor in the ER thought it was kidney stones because he has a history of them and the pain seemed kind of similar to kidney stones. After tons of tests and a very long night in the hospital, they ruled it a heart attack and scheduled him for heart cath the next day. Mom, Rae and I were there when he went in for the heart cath and the doctor came out and said he would have to have a quadruple bypass to clear blockage in four of his arteries, the major one being 100% clogged. They were going to send him home for a few days to relax and get stronger before the surgery that was scheduled for the next Thursday. The night before the surgery was stressful for me beyond belief. I didn't sleep much at all and at the same time I was dealing with a very sick guinea pig. So after sleeping for about two hours, we headed to the hospital at 6 am Thursday morning, September 9th. We were prepared for the surgery to take between 4-6 hours so it was surprise when the nurse called 2.5 hours later to say they were finished and only had to do to 2 bypasses! God is so good! That morning, Zach had prayed for healing for my dad, had prayed for no to little pain, and fewer bypasses if any at all. So it was a huge answer to prayer that they only had to do 2 bypasses. It was a scary sight seeing my dad after surgery, he had tubes coming out of him everywhere and was still very out of it; very surreal for me. He is still in ICU but doing very very well. He is hopefully getting the draining tubes out tomorrow morning and being moved to a room out of ICU either late tomorrow or Tuesday morning.

After having a great day the day of surgery, full of good news, answered prayers, and love from family and friends, we came home to find Lilly (guinea pig) had died. She was the first pet I had ever had to bury. But I got my best Converse shoe box (she's buried in style), packaging tape and a towel and made her the best casket I could. Zach dug a hole in the backyard by our bedroom window and we buried her. She was a good girl and I still miss her so much.

My birthday is today, she we celebrated Saturday the best we could. I went with mom to see dad in the hospital while Zach ran some errands that I wasn't allowed to go help him do. So we met up in the afternoon and went to eat at Lupe's with mom. After lunch, we decided to go to Pet Depot to look at the guinea pigs. I had no intention of getting one, I just wanted to look at them. I feel in love with a 4 month old multi-colored female so mom said she would buy her for me for my birthday. So now we have a new guinea pig! We also ordered a long haired multi-colored for a friend and she should be here in about a month. We have Millie right now, and Mollie will be here soon! I am so excited...Millie is so sweet and she's so lively. I am excited to see how she interacts with another one.

I had a great birthday today! It was Rally Day at SJD which is like their big festival to kick off the year. Mom, Rae, Collin, Derek and Tab came and Zach threw me a little surprise party with cake and ice cream and some friends from the youth group and staff. It was so fun! Then we came home and I took a nap...a perfect Sunday afternoon!

I'll try to update more, I will definitely update when Dad goes home and let y'all know how that is going. Until then...to God be the glory!

My grandfather was one of the most important and favorite people in my life. He was more of a father figure to me when I was little than my own father was because my dad was gone so much. I remember being at my grandparents' house more than my own. There were many a weekend when my parents would go do something on Saturday, take my grandmother, and leave me with Paw-Paw and we would watch cartoons all day. The funniest part would be when Paw-Paw would try to make the voices of the characters we were watching...he was so funny! The car trips with him and my grandmother were so awesome. Paw-Paw would have us cracking up before we even left the driveway.

I remember very vividly every memory I have of him like it was yesterday that it happened. I remember vividly the day he went in the hospital for the very last time. I had had surgery on my knee 2 days before that, but it didn't stop me from going to the hospital. He was having surgery to remove part of his colon because he had colon cancer and it was supposed to be just surgery and then he would be out in a couple weeks and be ok. That didn't happen. He had the surgery and took longer to come out of it than he was supposed to, that should have been our first clue that someone wasn't right. He got a staff infection after being in the hospital for a week and kept going downhill after that. He was moved to a skilled nursing facility after being in the hospital for a month and they were supposed to help him get his strength back, but he never really seemed interesting. We found out a lot of his medicine allergies at that place. After 2 months, they moved him to a nursing home. He went downhill very quickly after that. I had to go back to school at that point to move in to my new apartment and meet with my adviser, so I went and did all that. On Tuesday, August 14 I had a really strong feeling that I needed to get home and fast. So I left Nacogdoches immediately and came home. That night I went to the nursing home and said goodbye to my grandfather. He was non-responsive, and flinched in pain every time you touched him. It devastated me, I think it was then I realized that I was losing my best friend. The next day, I was getting ready to go back to Nac, I had figured I said goodbye and I was going to be ok with that. I was at lunch at First Baptist with my mom and some friends and my mom stepped outside to talk on her phone. About 5 minutes later, Dana looked outside and told me my mom was crying, at that moment I knew. I ran outside and my mom told me that he was dying and we needed to get there right away. We packed up stuff at the church and left right away. We got there and he was on oxygen, my brother was by his side, my uncles were there and my dad met us a little bit later. At 4:00 I needed to go get my car from the church and get something to eat because I hadn't eaten and had to drive back to Nac that night. So I went and did that, talked to Sharon for little bit and went back to Vosswood. As soon as I got back there, I sat down to eat my food and a nurse came and got me and said he was gone. I ran down the hallway in time to see my grandmother laying over his body, crying, and he was gone. I'll never forget that day as long as I live, I remember it like it happened yesterday and this Saturday it will be 3 years.

I miss him more and more everyday and living in his house for the last two months, I have reminders of him everywhere I look. I can still see indentions in the carpet where his chair sat for so long. I can't bring my self to clean the walls because his handprints are on the wall where he had to stabilize himself to walk down the hall. The hall closet still has all his winter coats in it that I just can't stand to go through yet. Even though the bedroom looks different, it is still his bed, his dresser, his nightstand, his room. We have rearranged the house so differently and put our touch on it, but it still somehow feels the same.

Paw-Paw, I love you, I miss you every day, and I am thankful for who you were and still are in my life. I thank you for making me who I am today, loving me unconditionally despite my faults and failures, and willing to help me out in any way that you possibly could while I was growing up. I remember the fun times we had, I remember smiling and laughing a lot, and I remember the sadness I felt when you left us. But I look forward to when I see you again, with no cancer, no cane, no limp, and that same big smile.

I've been way to crazy busy lately, but it's all been with fun stuff! I'll update when the whirlwind that has become my wonderful life slows down a little!

I am so ready for a change. A BIG change...like moving somewhere far away from here and starting a new life in a new place. Of course, my ideal place would be San Antonio. If Zach had a job I would have this house packed up in two minutes. But I'm open to possibilities. Lately, I've really been missing Nacogdoches, not really the city, but some of the people there and the way my life was. I think it was because I was independent. Even though I'm married now, my mom is still right around the corner and has this wild idea that I should come over and visit every day. Seriously?!?!? NO! I moved out for a reason. I do like the occasional visit, but I like the fact that I can do whatever I want when I want and not have to worry about whether I've spent enough time with my parents that week. Maybe eventually she'll get it. I doubt it. Moving to San Antonio would be good, that will help her....and me. I can't stand not being near both of my best friends. I miss Kristen like crazy and she's in Nac and my other half Mandy is in SA and I'm here. It really sucks. I'm praying for some contentment with where I am right now, but the restless feeling really takes over sometime. I just want to GO!