Beautifully Broken

Dad is home and doing so well. He is following the doctor's instructions to the letter and is improving day by day. I am so thankful for him and pray that the time he spends at home recuperating are not for nothing and that he uses it wisely to spend with the Lord and his family.

Millie is doing so well. She's adjusting nicely and is so much fun. She likes to run laps around her cage and leap and chew on things. I can't wait to get Mollie so she will have someone to play with. She's a huge snuggler and likes to sit on my chest and nuzzle my neck, she does the same thing to Zach...it's so cute!

This month has gone by so fast, and next month will be busier than September! That's ok, I like to stay busy. Hopefully we can find time to get to San Antonio and see the Campbell's and the Reveneau's and hopefully find time to get a trip in to Dallas to see Kristen's mom. She has cancer and is going through many surgeries and chemo treatments. So if you think about, say a little prayer for her. I love her like she's my own mother and pray God leads her out of this with miracles. Her family needs her.

Sorry I haven't been writing lately, there has been a lot happening and things have been to hard and emotional to sit down and write.

My dad has always been my hero, the strongest man I know, nothing bothers him, he's always been able to defeat everything that has come in front of him, and Tuesday night, August 31, he had a heart attack. It was the scariest night of my life. I had just gotten home from work and got some mail for my uncle at the house, so I called my mom to see where she was and when I can get the mail to her. She sounded upset when I called so I asked her what was wrong and she said she was taking Dad to the hospital because he wasn't feeling well. So I quickly changed my clothes and met them there. Dad said he was having symptoms of nausea, dizziness, upper back pain and tingling in his arms and legs. He didn't think heart attack at first because it was pain in his back, not his chest. The doctor in the ER thought it was kidney stones because he has a history of them and the pain seemed kind of similar to kidney stones. After tons of tests and a very long night in the hospital, they ruled it a heart attack and scheduled him for heart cath the next day. Mom, Rae and I were there when he went in for the heart cath and the doctor came out and said he would have to have a quadruple bypass to clear blockage in four of his arteries, the major one being 100% clogged. They were going to send him home for a few days to relax and get stronger before the surgery that was scheduled for the next Thursday. The night before the surgery was stressful for me beyond belief. I didn't sleep much at all and at the same time I was dealing with a very sick guinea pig. So after sleeping for about two hours, we headed to the hospital at 6 am Thursday morning, September 9th. We were prepared for the surgery to take between 4-6 hours so it was surprise when the nurse called 2.5 hours later to say they were finished and only had to do to 2 bypasses! God is so good! That morning, Zach had prayed for healing for my dad, had prayed for no to little pain, and fewer bypasses if any at all. So it was a huge answer to prayer that they only had to do 2 bypasses. It was a scary sight seeing my dad after surgery, he had tubes coming out of him everywhere and was still very out of it; very surreal for me. He is still in ICU but doing very very well. He is hopefully getting the draining tubes out tomorrow morning and being moved to a room out of ICU either late tomorrow or Tuesday morning.

After having a great day the day of surgery, full of good news, answered prayers, and love from family and friends, we came home to find Lilly (guinea pig) had died. She was the first pet I had ever had to bury. But I got my best Converse shoe box (she's buried in style), packaging tape and a towel and made her the best casket I could. Zach dug a hole in the backyard by our bedroom window and we buried her. She was a good girl and I still miss her so much.

My birthday is today, she we celebrated Saturday the best we could. I went with mom to see dad in the hospital while Zach ran some errands that I wasn't allowed to go help him do. So we met up in the afternoon and went to eat at Lupe's with mom. After lunch, we decided to go to Pet Depot to look at the guinea pigs. I had no intention of getting one, I just wanted to look at them. I feel in love with a 4 month old multi-colored female so mom said she would buy her for me for my birthday. So now we have a new guinea pig! We also ordered a long haired multi-colored for a friend and she should be here in about a month. We have Millie right now, and Mollie will be here soon! I am so excited...Millie is so sweet and she's so lively. I am excited to see how she interacts with another one.

I had a great birthday today! It was Rally Day at SJD which is like their big festival to kick off the year. Mom, Rae, Collin, Derek and Tab came and Zach threw me a little surprise party with cake and ice cream and some friends from the youth group and staff. It was so fun! Then we came home and I took a nap...a perfect Sunday afternoon!

I'll try to update more, I will definitely update when Dad goes home and let y'all know how that is going. Until then...to God be the glory!

My grandfather was one of the most important and favorite people in my life. He was more of a father figure to me when I was little than my own father was because my dad was gone so much. I remember being at my grandparents' house more than my own. There were many a weekend when my parents would go do something on Saturday, take my grandmother, and leave me with Paw-Paw and we would watch cartoons all day. The funniest part would be when Paw-Paw would try to make the voices of the characters we were watching...he was so funny! The car trips with him and my grandmother were so awesome. Paw-Paw would have us cracking up before we even left the driveway.

I remember very vividly every memory I have of him like it was yesterday that it happened. I remember vividly the day he went in the hospital for the very last time. I had had surgery on my knee 2 days before that, but it didn't stop me from going to the hospital. He was having surgery to remove part of his colon because he had colon cancer and it was supposed to be just surgery and then he would be out in a couple weeks and be ok. That didn't happen. He had the surgery and took longer to come out of it than he was supposed to, that should have been our first clue that someone wasn't right. He got a staff infection after being in the hospital for a week and kept going downhill after that. He was moved to a skilled nursing facility after being in the hospital for a month and they were supposed to help him get his strength back, but he never really seemed interesting. We found out a lot of his medicine allergies at that place. After 2 months, they moved him to a nursing home. He went downhill very quickly after that. I had to go back to school at that point to move in to my new apartment and meet with my adviser, so I went and did all that. On Tuesday, August 14 I had a really strong feeling that I needed to get home and fast. So I left Nacogdoches immediately and came home. That night I went to the nursing home and said goodbye to my grandfather. He was non-responsive, and flinched in pain every time you touched him. It devastated me, I think it was then I realized that I was losing my best friend. The next day, I was getting ready to go back to Nac, I had figured I said goodbye and I was going to be ok with that. I was at lunch at First Baptist with my mom and some friends and my mom stepped outside to talk on her phone. About 5 minutes later, Dana looked outside and told me my mom was crying, at that moment I knew. I ran outside and my mom told me that he was dying and we needed to get there right away. We packed up stuff at the church and left right away. We got there and he was on oxygen, my brother was by his side, my uncles were there and my dad met us a little bit later. At 4:00 I needed to go get my car from the church and get something to eat because I hadn't eaten and had to drive back to Nac that night. So I went and did that, talked to Sharon for little bit and went back to Vosswood. As soon as I got back there, I sat down to eat my food and a nurse came and got me and said he was gone. I ran down the hallway in time to see my grandmother laying over his body, crying, and he was gone. I'll never forget that day as long as I live, I remember it like it happened yesterday and this Saturday it will be 3 years.

I miss him more and more everyday and living in his house for the last two months, I have reminders of him everywhere I look. I can still see indentions in the carpet where his chair sat for so long. I can't bring my self to clean the walls because his handprints are on the wall where he had to stabilize himself to walk down the hall. The hall closet still has all his winter coats in it that I just can't stand to go through yet. Even though the bedroom looks different, it is still his bed, his dresser, his nightstand, his room. We have rearranged the house so differently and put our touch on it, but it still somehow feels the same.

Paw-Paw, I love you, I miss you every day, and I am thankful for who you were and still are in my life. I thank you for making me who I am today, loving me unconditionally despite my faults and failures, and willing to help me out in any way that you possibly could while I was growing up. I remember the fun times we had, I remember smiling and laughing a lot, and I remember the sadness I felt when you left us. But I look forward to when I see you again, with no cancer, no cane, no limp, and that same big smile.

I've been way to crazy busy lately, but it's all been with fun stuff! I'll update when the whirlwind that has become my wonderful life slows down a little!

I am so ready for a change. A BIG change...like moving somewhere far away from here and starting a new life in a new place. Of course, my ideal place would be San Antonio. If Zach had a job I would have this house packed up in two minutes. But I'm open to possibilities. Lately, I've really been missing Nacogdoches, not really the city, but some of the people there and the way my life was. I think it was because I was independent. Even though I'm married now, my mom is still right around the corner and has this wild idea that I should come over and visit every day. Seriously?!?!? NO! I moved out for a reason. I do like the occasional visit, but I like the fact that I can do whatever I want when I want and not have to worry about whether I've spent enough time with my parents that week. Maybe eventually she'll get it. I doubt it. Moving to San Antonio would be good, that will help her....and me. I can't stand not being near both of my best friends. I miss Kristen like crazy and she's in Nac and my other half Mandy is in SA and I'm here. It really sucks. I'm praying for some contentment with where I am right now, but the restless feeling really takes over sometime. I just want to GO!

It's almost midnight (which is late for me) and I'm in the middle between tired and wide awake. I know there is at least one other person out there that is awake and writing her cute little heart out right now, so hi, Sunny! Zach is awake, too, although he's on facebook and checking things out about his current obsession over the movie Inception. He had a guys night and went and saw it the other night while Rae and I and my parents went and saw The Sorcerer's Apprentice. It was really good, a lot better than I was expecting. Still haven't seen Eclipse...but I really want to.

We went to the circus tonight and it was amazing! I hadn't been since I was like one or two or something ridiculous like that and I was nervous all day. I have this fear of clowns that extends into my childhood when I watched IT with my brother. It was good to know that the clowns don't wear all that makeup and stuff anymore and they weren't creepy like I thought. I do have a new passion of becoming a trapeze artist and traveling the country with the circus. I don't think it will happen though, it's a little too late for me, but a girl could dream, right?

This week is going to be full of thank you card writing, cleaning out the office so it can actually be used as an office, working, and somehow finding time in there to sleep.

We're having some money problems right now, nothing too serious, just not comfortable. I know that God is going to pull us through though, He always does. He is so faithful and I trust Him completely.

Next weekend is the weekend we've all been waiting for.....SA! I am so stinkin' excited. December's End is playing in the semi-finals for Summer Sounds...WOOT WOOT! I hope they win, I really hope they win. I'm so ready for a weekend in SA and with Mandy, Chris and the kiddos.

I'm laying here, staring at my husband, he doesn't know I'm looking at him, and thinking about how incredibly lucky I am. My diamond sparkles in the computer light, his ring is proudly on his left finger, and I almost can't believe we're here. I've been dreaming about being married most of my life, and after meeting Zach, the thought consumed my every being. I love our marriage, I love my husband more than anything, and the desire to have a family is driving me wild. I just can't imagine how life can get any better than this.

Zach is gone this week. He's still in Houston, but doesn't get to come home to me at night. I hate it. I don't know whether it's harder knowing he's in Houston and I still can't see him or when he's in Florida or Georgia or something.

I got a lot done today though, I feel very productive. Cleaned most of the house, changed the sheets on the bed and wrote out the list for thank you cards. The day and evening didn't seem too bad.....until it's night. I'm laying here, freshly showered, in clean sheets, in a huge bed.....alone. I hate the feeling. I hate having to go to sleep without his arms around me. I hate waking up in the middle of the night and reaching out for him and he's not there. I hate waking up in the morning and not being able to kiss him. Summers are tough for youth ministers and their families. If you're not lucky enough to join your husband on his trips, you don't see him much during the summer. It's the only time I feel jealous of his job and wish he had a normal 9-5 job. But he is happy and where God wants him to be, so I will work through it. I know over the years it will probably get easier, I'll get used to it, or get a job where I have vacation and get to go with him. But for now, it's just sad and lonely. Pray for me, guys, if you think about it? I miss him, but know he's doing great things for the Lord, and I need to be ok with that.

In other news...

I'm looking forward to this weekend where we don't have anything planned. I'll be glad waking up Saturday morning and laying around with my husband and getting things done around the house. But the next weekend....IT'S ON! We're going back to SA, Decemer's End is playing in the semi-finals for Summer Sounds and I'm so excited for them! I'm also glad we're going to get to stay more than 24 hours this time. Stoked.

Y'all have a good night. I'm going to think for a while, talk to Jesus, possibly sleep. We'll see. <3

Hey Kids. I don't really know why I started a blog...I'm really bad at updating. I was peer pressured. Sunny is my peer and she pressured me. It's ok, I'm a big girl, I could have said no. But I didn't. So now you are all stuck reading about my life that really is not that exciting. Only to Sunny, because she's in it the most. :)

We got back from SA Saturday night, or really Sunday morning, and learned that December's End won the first round of Summer Sounds!! So it's back to SA the weekend of July 24 to watch them win the entire thing! (See how confident I am?) We're staying longer than 24 hours this time...24 hours of my SA BFF is certainly not long enough.

Sunday we went to lunch with my parents, went to see my grandmother, and then went to dinner and fireworks. I had never been to the downtown Houston fireworks, and it was certainly not worth it to me. I know that they had tons more fireworks but they got flooded the night before and so there was only about 15 minutes worth of fireworks. Lame. But I got some good pics. If I could find my camera cord you could see them, too. Maybe later.

Monday we slept in (Hallelujuah!!) and worked in the yard. It's getting there, but there's still a lot of work to do and it's so stinkin hot. We're doing it in shifts. Today I picked up a couple piles and blew some stuff before I was afraid I would get struck by lightening and burn to a crisp.

Tomorrow I'm going to my parents house while Zach is at church and doing some laundry. It sucks not having a washing machine. Hopefully we can get one soon. Payday...please come quickly.

Next week Zach leaves. Again. For the second time in the month that we have been married. It really really sucks. I miss him so much when he's gone. But it will give me a chance to spend some time by myself, with God and my cleaning products. I'm excited, but not so much when I think of the nighttime when I have to go to sleep by myself.

Well that's about it folks, maybe next time I'll have something intellectual and exciting to talk about it. I'll work on it. Love, Peace and Buc-ees.

We went to a funeral today, Zach's cousin Janelle's grandmother. It was a beautiful service and I really feel like I got to know her just hearing people talk about her. It was obvious she loved her family and loved her Jesus. The whole time I was sitting there, all I could think of was that in the next couple weeks I'm going to be sitting at the funeral of my own grandmother. She has just decided that it's her time and if God's not going to call her home right now, she's going to do something about it. So she's starving herself to death. She hasn't eaten anything or drank a significant amount of water or anything else in over a week. The doctor came in and told my mom to basically make her comfortable and that it would take 2-3 weeks for her to be successful. As sad as this is, I am ok with it. My grandfather died almost 3 years ago and she hasn't been the same since he's been gone. They were married for 62 years, all her kids are grown with kids of their own that are grown and some have kids of their own. I can understand she thinks her purpose here on earth is over; and maybe it is. She wants to go see Jesus and her husband, and I really can't blame her. The greatest day is when she falls asleep and wakes up in the arms of Jesus and sees Paw-Paw waiting for her.

After the funeral, we drove to SA to see Mandy and Chris and hang out for the weekend. I am so excited to be here and already don't want to leave. It was as it always has been, we just pick up where we left off. There have already been conversations about when we're moving up here. I can't wait. Of course there have also been conversations about when we're having babies! We're newlyweds, it's bound to happen. We have decided to wait at least a year before trying, but have come to terms that if God wants to give us a baby now, then we'll get through it and we'll of course love to have a baby.

Well, it's time for all night talks, laughing til your stomach hurts, and awkward stories that always end with the awkward cat playing the piano (Mandy will know what I mean...)

Hey guys, don't really have anything huge going on but I thought I would update and try to rock y'all's world anyway. Zach is back from Florida and things are getting back to normal. I found out that I really DO NOT like it when he is gone, I feel like the second half of me is missing. Yesterday we went to dinner with his family, his cousin Crystal is in town and I hadn't met her til the other night. She's so funny, we hit it off right away. Tonight, I tried really hard to have dinner in the oven by the time Zach got home, I didn't make it. But it was well on it's way, better than nothing! While it baked, I cleaned the bathrooms and did laundry. I don't know where this domestic bug came from, but it has infected me!

This weekend we're going to San Antonio to visit Mandy and I'm beyond excited. I didn't get to see her this last weekend when they were in town and I think I'm going through SABFF withdrawals. We're only going to be there for a night, but knowing Mandy and I, we will make that night count! Good thing Zach and Chris have each other, because they sure won't have their wives for a while! LOL!

Our washing machine went out last week and I am so mad. We're trying to weigh the costs on getting it fixed with the costs on getting a new one, pray for us with that one. There are some things that have come up that will require some money, and we need to feel comfortable.

Married life is amazing and we're adjusting nicely. I love the fact that I get to go to sleep and wake up next to Zach every day. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he was made for me, and I for him.

Also, pray for my health. I've been feeling really run down lately, not really myself, and my stomach has been bothering me off and on. July 1st my insurance kicks in and I'm gonna go get myself checked out, I just hope it's nothing serious.

Ok, enough with the mushiness of life, I'm going to go to sleep now. It's only 10:30 but I need to rest up for my long Friday night with Mandy!

I'm laying in bed tonight, watching my guilty pleasure "The Kardashians" and thinking. My heart is being pulled in way too many directions right now. Kristen's grandmother died on Tuesday, her funeral is Saturday and it breaks my heart I can't be there. We had already committed to helping First Baptist with a 1st and 2nd Grade Fun Day and I don't feel right backing out now. I know that Rae would understand, but I don't like to back out on my word. I know that all day Saturday my heart will be in Nacogdoches.

I LOVE it when Mandy and Chris are here, it totally makes my whole month to see them, but when they leave, I always feel the same; sad. They take a bit of my heart back to SA with them every time. If we could, I would pack up this whole house in a heartbeat, move up to SA and start a life there. I want to do that more than anything. But I know it's not the right time. Zach has an amazing job that he loves, SJD is a wonderful church and there are a ton of people there that I love so much. I am really close to my family and all of the other people here who are like family to me and I will miss them if we leave. But when we're in San Antonio, it feels so right. I never want to leave. So there's another direction I'm being pulled.

I don't really know what to do other than just stay put and listen to what God wants us to do. And I know that Zach is the head of our family, and I will follow him anywhere. And I know that he knows where we are right now is the right thing for us. So I pray for peace and patience and guidance. And that Mandy will come to Houston every single weekend....kidding (kind of).

I used to have a blog, I did. I wrote on (in?) it almost every single day. But I wouldn't want to read it now, as a matter of fact, I deleted it all about 3 years ago. The person who wrote that other blog was not the me that I want to remember, it was at a point in my life when I didn't really know who I was, and I was trying so hard to figure that out and it was all going horribly wrong. But this is a new me. The me who has grown up, found love, found new friends, and found who I am in Jesus Christ. So let's try this all over again.

I just got married. 12 days ago, actually. It was the most amazing moment in my life, and every day it just gets better and better. I had dreamed about my wedding day since I was a little girl, and it went nothing like I had dreamed. It was better. Shelley, my sister for all intents and purposes, was my matron of honor. Kelly, my best friend from high school, was my maid of honor. She's one of those friends where we don't talk for months on end, and then we talk and it's like we never left. I love her. Kristen, my best friend from college and one of the people I adore the most in this world, was my bridesmaid. They all did an amazing job and I couldn't think of anyone better I would want beside me as I got married to the love of my life.

Collin is my little brother. He's such an amazing kid. I love him to death. He's not legally or biologically my brother, but I'm his sister and you couldn't convince us any other way. I've known him his whole life and I've watched him grow from a cute little kid who I rode all the rides at Astro World with to a high schooler who is starting to ask his own questions and challenge others. I'm proud of who he is and can't wait to see who he is going to become. He walked my mom down the aisle and I really wish I could have seen it, I'm sure it would have brought tears to my eyes. He's growing up so fast.

Now, I have these friends who play music. They're the most amazing people in the world, for real. Their band, December's End, consists of Mandy and Chris Campbell and Maggie and Jon Raveneau. Chris is Zach's best friend from forever and he and his wife Mandy are two of the most awesome people in my life. Zach introduced me to them last summer when we had just gotten engaged and I don't have any problem telling you I was freaked out. I was afraid they wouldn't like me. I knew these people were really important and special to Zach, so I knew either they liked me, or I had to go. Well, they loved me, and I loved them. We ended up staying in SA almost a week longer than we were going to. Mandy has become one of my favorite people and whenever we're in the same town, we're pretty much inseparable. Since the boy's are the same way, I don't think they mind that they lose their girls when we're together. Maggie is Mandy's twin sister and she is married to Jon. She is just as sweet as her sister and I'm lucky they all are my friends. They did the music for the wedding and it was absolutely perfect.

I felt really special that everybody who was there was there to celebrate with us. I didn't realize all the people who care about us, but we are so lucky. I love my new church family and all the friends I've made because of Zach. My new life is amazing. It's the perfect blend of my life and Zach's life put into a new life and being blessed by God.

So, all of you reading this blog (which is probably me and one other person), I hope you enjoy it. It's me and we're trying this all over again.