Beautifully Broken

I am so ready for a change. A BIG change...like moving somewhere far away from here and starting a new life in a new place. Of course, my ideal place would be San Antonio. If Zach had a job I would have this house packed up in two minutes. But I'm open to possibilities. Lately, I've really been missing Nacogdoches, not really the city, but some of the people there and the way my life was. I think it was because I was independent. Even though I'm married now, my mom is still right around the corner and has this wild idea that I should come over and visit every day. Seriously?!?!? NO! I moved out for a reason. I do like the occasional visit, but I like the fact that I can do whatever I want when I want and not have to worry about whether I've spent enough time with my parents that week. Maybe eventually she'll get it. I doubt it. Moving to San Antonio would be good, that will help her....and me. I can't stand not being near both of my best friends. I miss Kristen like crazy and she's in Nac and my other half Mandy is in SA and I'm here. It really sucks. I'm praying for some contentment with where I am right now, but the restless feeling really takes over sometime. I just want to GO!

It's almost midnight (which is late for me) and I'm in the middle between tired and wide awake. I know there is at least one other person out there that is awake and writing her cute little heart out right now, so hi, Sunny! Zach is awake, too, although he's on facebook and checking things out about his current obsession over the movie Inception. He had a guys night and went and saw it the other night while Rae and I and my parents went and saw The Sorcerer's Apprentice. It was really good, a lot better than I was expecting. Still haven't seen Eclipse...but I really want to.

We went to the circus tonight and it was amazing! I hadn't been since I was like one or two or something ridiculous like that and I was nervous all day. I have this fear of clowns that extends into my childhood when I watched IT with my brother. It was good to know that the clowns don't wear all that makeup and stuff anymore and they weren't creepy like I thought. I do have a new passion of becoming a trapeze artist and traveling the country with the circus. I don't think it will happen though, it's a little too late for me, but a girl could dream, right?

This week is going to be full of thank you card writing, cleaning out the office so it can actually be used as an office, working, and somehow finding time in there to sleep.

We're having some money problems right now, nothing too serious, just not comfortable. I know that God is going to pull us through though, He always does. He is so faithful and I trust Him completely.

Next weekend is the weekend we've all been waiting for.....SA! I am so stinkin' excited. December's End is playing in the semi-finals for Summer Sounds...WOOT WOOT! I hope they win, I really hope they win. I'm so ready for a weekend in SA and with Mandy, Chris and the kiddos.

I'm laying here, staring at my husband, he doesn't know I'm looking at him, and thinking about how incredibly lucky I am. My diamond sparkles in the computer light, his ring is proudly on his left finger, and I almost can't believe we're here. I've been dreaming about being married most of my life, and after meeting Zach, the thought consumed my every being. I love our marriage, I love my husband more than anything, and the desire to have a family is driving me wild. I just can't imagine how life can get any better than this.

Zach is gone this week. He's still in Houston, but doesn't get to come home to me at night. I hate it. I don't know whether it's harder knowing he's in Houston and I still can't see him or when he's in Florida or Georgia or something.

I got a lot done today though, I feel very productive. Cleaned most of the house, changed the sheets on the bed and wrote out the list for thank you cards. The day and evening didn't seem too bad.....until it's night. I'm laying here, freshly showered, in clean sheets, in a huge bed.....alone. I hate the feeling. I hate having to go to sleep without his arms around me. I hate waking up in the middle of the night and reaching out for him and he's not there. I hate waking up in the morning and not being able to kiss him. Summers are tough for youth ministers and their families. If you're not lucky enough to join your husband on his trips, you don't see him much during the summer. It's the only time I feel jealous of his job and wish he had a normal 9-5 job. But he is happy and where God wants him to be, so I will work through it. I know over the years it will probably get easier, I'll get used to it, or get a job where I have vacation and get to go with him. But for now, it's just sad and lonely. Pray for me, guys, if you think about it? I miss him, but know he's doing great things for the Lord, and I need to be ok with that.

In other news...

I'm looking forward to this weekend where we don't have anything planned. I'll be glad waking up Saturday morning and laying around with my husband and getting things done around the house. But the next weekend....IT'S ON! We're going back to SA, Decemer's End is playing in the semi-finals for Summer Sounds and I'm so excited for them! I'm also glad we're going to get to stay more than 24 hours this time. Stoked.

Y'all have a good night. I'm going to think for a while, talk to Jesus, possibly sleep. We'll see. <3

Hey Kids. I don't really know why I started a blog...I'm really bad at updating. I was peer pressured. Sunny is my peer and she pressured me. It's ok, I'm a big girl, I could have said no. But I didn't. So now you are all stuck reading about my life that really is not that exciting. Only to Sunny, because she's in it the most. :)

We got back from SA Saturday night, or really Sunday morning, and learned that December's End won the first round of Summer Sounds!! So it's back to SA the weekend of July 24 to watch them win the entire thing! (See how confident I am?) We're staying longer than 24 hours this time...24 hours of my SA BFF is certainly not long enough.

Sunday we went to lunch with my parents, went to see my grandmother, and then went to dinner and fireworks. I had never been to the downtown Houston fireworks, and it was certainly not worth it to me. I know that they had tons more fireworks but they got flooded the night before and so there was only about 15 minutes worth of fireworks. Lame. But I got some good pics. If I could find my camera cord you could see them, too. Maybe later.

Monday we slept in (Hallelujuah!!) and worked in the yard. It's getting there, but there's still a lot of work to do and it's so stinkin hot. We're doing it in shifts. Today I picked up a couple piles and blew some stuff before I was afraid I would get struck by lightening and burn to a crisp.

Tomorrow I'm going to my parents house while Zach is at church and doing some laundry. It sucks not having a washing machine. Hopefully we can get one soon. Payday...please come quickly.

Next week Zach leaves. Again. For the second time in the month that we have been married. It really really sucks. I miss him so much when he's gone. But it will give me a chance to spend some time by myself, with God and my cleaning products. I'm excited, but not so much when I think of the nighttime when I have to go to sleep by myself.

Well that's about it folks, maybe next time I'll have something intellectual and exciting to talk about it. I'll work on it. Love, Peace and Buc-ees.

We went to a funeral today, Zach's cousin Janelle's grandmother. It was a beautiful service and I really feel like I got to know her just hearing people talk about her. It was obvious she loved her family and loved her Jesus. The whole time I was sitting there, all I could think of was that in the next couple weeks I'm going to be sitting at the funeral of my own grandmother. She has just decided that it's her time and if God's not going to call her home right now, she's going to do something about it. So she's starving herself to death. She hasn't eaten anything or drank a significant amount of water or anything else in over a week. The doctor came in and told my mom to basically make her comfortable and that it would take 2-3 weeks for her to be successful. As sad as this is, I am ok with it. My grandfather died almost 3 years ago and she hasn't been the same since he's been gone. They were married for 62 years, all her kids are grown with kids of their own that are grown and some have kids of their own. I can understand she thinks her purpose here on earth is over; and maybe it is. She wants to go see Jesus and her husband, and I really can't blame her. The greatest day is when she falls asleep and wakes up in the arms of Jesus and sees Paw-Paw waiting for her.

After the funeral, we drove to SA to see Mandy and Chris and hang out for the weekend. I am so excited to be here and already don't want to leave. It was as it always has been, we just pick up where we left off. There have already been conversations about when we're moving up here. I can't wait. Of course there have also been conversations about when we're having babies! We're newlyweds, it's bound to happen. We have decided to wait at least a year before trying, but have come to terms that if God wants to give us a baby now, then we'll get through it and we'll of course love to have a baby.

Well, it's time for all night talks, laughing til your stomach hurts, and awkward stories that always end with the awkward cat playing the piano (Mandy will know what I mean...)

Hey guys, don't really have anything huge going on but I thought I would update and try to rock y'all's world anyway. Zach is back from Florida and things are getting back to normal. I found out that I really DO NOT like it when he is gone, I feel like the second half of me is missing. Yesterday we went to dinner with his family, his cousin Crystal is in town and I hadn't met her til the other night. She's so funny, we hit it off right away. Tonight, I tried really hard to have dinner in the oven by the time Zach got home, I didn't make it. But it was well on it's way, better than nothing! While it baked, I cleaned the bathrooms and did laundry. I don't know where this domestic bug came from, but it has infected me!

This weekend we're going to San Antonio to visit Mandy and I'm beyond excited. I didn't get to see her this last weekend when they were in town and I think I'm going through SABFF withdrawals. We're only going to be there for a night, but knowing Mandy and I, we will make that night count! Good thing Zach and Chris have each other, because they sure won't have their wives for a while! LOL!

Our washing machine went out last week and I am so mad. We're trying to weigh the costs on getting it fixed with the costs on getting a new one, pray for us with that one. There are some things that have come up that will require some money, and we need to feel comfortable.

Married life is amazing and we're adjusting nicely. I love the fact that I get to go to sleep and wake up next to Zach every day. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he was made for me, and I for him.

Also, pray for my health. I've been feeling really run down lately, not really myself, and my stomach has been bothering me off and on. July 1st my insurance kicks in and I'm gonna go get myself checked out, I just hope it's nothing serious.

Ok, enough with the mushiness of life, I'm going to go to sleep now. It's only 10:30 but I need to rest up for my long Friday night with Mandy!

I'm laying in bed tonight, watching my guilty pleasure "The Kardashians" and thinking. My heart is being pulled in way too many directions right now. Kristen's grandmother died on Tuesday, her funeral is Saturday and it breaks my heart I can't be there. We had already committed to helping First Baptist with a 1st and 2nd Grade Fun Day and I don't feel right backing out now. I know that Rae would understand, but I don't like to back out on my word. I know that all day Saturday my heart will be in Nacogdoches.

I LOVE it when Mandy and Chris are here, it totally makes my whole month to see them, but when they leave, I always feel the same; sad. They take a bit of my heart back to SA with them every time. If we could, I would pack up this whole house in a heartbeat, move up to SA and start a life there. I want to do that more than anything. But I know it's not the right time. Zach has an amazing job that he loves, SJD is a wonderful church and there are a ton of people there that I love so much. I am really close to my family and all of the other people here who are like family to me and I will miss them if we leave. But when we're in San Antonio, it feels so right. I never want to leave. So there's another direction I'm being pulled.

I don't really know what to do other than just stay put and listen to what God wants us to do. And I know that Zach is the head of our family, and I will follow him anywhere. And I know that he knows where we are right now is the right thing for us. So I pray for peace and patience and guidance. And that Mandy will come to Houston every single weekend....kidding (kind of).