Beautifully Broken

My grandfather was one of the most important and favorite people in my life. He was more of a father figure to me when I was little than my own father was because my dad was gone so much. I remember being at my grandparents' house more than my own. There were many a weekend when my parents would go do something on Saturday, take my grandmother, and leave me with Paw-Paw and we would watch cartoons all day. The funniest part would be when Paw-Paw would try to make the voices of the characters we were watching...he was so funny! The car trips with him and my grandmother were so awesome. Paw-Paw would have us cracking up before we even left the driveway.

I remember very vividly every memory I have of him like it was yesterday that it happened. I remember vividly the day he went in the hospital for the very last time. I had had surgery on my knee 2 days before that, but it didn't stop me from going to the hospital. He was having surgery to remove part of his colon because he had colon cancer and it was supposed to be just surgery and then he would be out in a couple weeks and be ok. That didn't happen. He had the surgery and took longer to come out of it than he was supposed to, that should have been our first clue that someone wasn't right. He got a staff infection after being in the hospital for a week and kept going downhill after that. He was moved to a skilled nursing facility after being in the hospital for a month and they were supposed to help him get his strength back, but he never really seemed interesting. We found out a lot of his medicine allergies at that place. After 2 months, they moved him to a nursing home. He went downhill very quickly after that. I had to go back to school at that point to move in to my new apartment and meet with my adviser, so I went and did all that. On Tuesday, August 14 I had a really strong feeling that I needed to get home and fast. So I left Nacogdoches immediately and came home. That night I went to the nursing home and said goodbye to my grandfather. He was non-responsive, and flinched in pain every time you touched him. It devastated me, I think it was then I realized that I was losing my best friend. The next day, I was getting ready to go back to Nac, I had figured I said goodbye and I was going to be ok with that. I was at lunch at First Baptist with my mom and some friends and my mom stepped outside to talk on her phone. About 5 minutes later, Dana looked outside and told me my mom was crying, at that moment I knew. I ran outside and my mom told me that he was dying and we needed to get there right away. We packed up stuff at the church and left right away. We got there and he was on oxygen, my brother was by his side, my uncles were there and my dad met us a little bit later. At 4:00 I needed to go get my car from the church and get something to eat because I hadn't eaten and had to drive back to Nac that night. So I went and did that, talked to Sharon for little bit and went back to Vosswood. As soon as I got back there, I sat down to eat my food and a nurse came and got me and said he was gone. I ran down the hallway in time to see my grandmother laying over his body, crying, and he was gone. I'll never forget that day as long as I live, I remember it like it happened yesterday and this Saturday it will be 3 years.

I miss him more and more everyday and living in his house for the last two months, I have reminders of him everywhere I look. I can still see indentions in the carpet where his chair sat for so long. I can't bring my self to clean the walls because his handprints are on the wall where he had to stabilize himself to walk down the hall. The hall closet still has all his winter coats in it that I just can't stand to go through yet. Even though the bedroom looks different, it is still his bed, his dresser, his nightstand, his room. We have rearranged the house so differently and put our touch on it, but it still somehow feels the same.

Paw-Paw, I love you, I miss you every day, and I am thankful for who you were and still are in my life. I thank you for making me who I am today, loving me unconditionally despite my faults and failures, and willing to help me out in any way that you possibly could while I was growing up. I remember the fun times we had, I remember smiling and laughing a lot, and I remember the sadness I felt when you left us. But I look forward to when I see you again, with no cancer, no cane, no limp, and that same big smile.

I've been way to crazy busy lately, but it's all been with fun stuff! I'll update when the whirlwind that has become my wonderful life slows down a little!

I am so ready for a change. A BIG change...like moving somewhere far away from here and starting a new life in a new place. Of course, my ideal place would be San Antonio. If Zach had a job I would have this house packed up in two minutes. But I'm open to possibilities. Lately, I've really been missing Nacogdoches, not really the city, but some of the people there and the way my life was. I think it was because I was independent. Even though I'm married now, my mom is still right around the corner and has this wild idea that I should come over and visit every day. Seriously?!?!? NO! I moved out for a reason. I do like the occasional visit, but I like the fact that I can do whatever I want when I want and not have to worry about whether I've spent enough time with my parents that week. Maybe eventually she'll get it. I doubt it. Moving to San Antonio would be good, that will help her....and me. I can't stand not being near both of my best friends. I miss Kristen like crazy and she's in Nac and my other half Mandy is in SA and I'm here. It really sucks. I'm praying for some contentment with where I am right now, but the restless feeling really takes over sometime. I just want to GO!

It's almost midnight (which is late for me) and I'm in the middle between tired and wide awake. I know there is at least one other person out there that is awake and writing her cute little heart out right now, so hi, Sunny! Zach is awake, too, although he's on facebook and checking things out about his current obsession over the movie Inception. He had a guys night and went and saw it the other night while Rae and I and my parents went and saw The Sorcerer's Apprentice. It was really good, a lot better than I was expecting. Still haven't seen Eclipse...but I really want to.

We went to the circus tonight and it was amazing! I hadn't been since I was like one or two or something ridiculous like that and I was nervous all day. I have this fear of clowns that extends into my childhood when I watched IT with my brother. It was good to know that the clowns don't wear all that makeup and stuff anymore and they weren't creepy like I thought. I do have a new passion of becoming a trapeze artist and traveling the country with the circus. I don't think it will happen though, it's a little too late for me, but a girl could dream, right?

This week is going to be full of thank you card writing, cleaning out the office so it can actually be used as an office, working, and somehow finding time in there to sleep.

We're having some money problems right now, nothing too serious, just not comfortable. I know that God is going to pull us through though, He always does. He is so faithful and I trust Him completely.

Next weekend is the weekend we've all been waiting for.....SA! I am so stinkin' excited. December's End is playing in the semi-finals for Summer Sounds...WOOT WOOT! I hope they win, I really hope they win. I'm so ready for a weekend in SA and with Mandy, Chris and the kiddos.

I'm laying here, staring at my husband, he doesn't know I'm looking at him, and thinking about how incredibly lucky I am. My diamond sparkles in the computer light, his ring is proudly on his left finger, and I almost can't believe we're here. I've been dreaming about being married most of my life, and after meeting Zach, the thought consumed my every being. I love our marriage, I love my husband more than anything, and the desire to have a family is driving me wild. I just can't imagine how life can get any better than this.

Zach is gone this week. He's still in Houston, but doesn't get to come home to me at night. I hate it. I don't know whether it's harder knowing he's in Houston and I still can't see him or when he's in Florida or Georgia or something.

I got a lot done today though, I feel very productive. Cleaned most of the house, changed the sheets on the bed and wrote out the list for thank you cards. The day and evening didn't seem too bad.....until it's night. I'm laying here, freshly showered, in clean sheets, in a huge bed.....alone. I hate the feeling. I hate having to go to sleep without his arms around me. I hate waking up in the middle of the night and reaching out for him and he's not there. I hate waking up in the morning and not being able to kiss him. Summers are tough for youth ministers and their families. If you're not lucky enough to join your husband on his trips, you don't see him much during the summer. It's the only time I feel jealous of his job and wish he had a normal 9-5 job. But he is happy and where God wants him to be, so I will work through it. I know over the years it will probably get easier, I'll get used to it, or get a job where I have vacation and get to go with him. But for now, it's just sad and lonely. Pray for me, guys, if you think about it? I miss him, but know he's doing great things for the Lord, and I need to be ok with that.

In other news...

I'm looking forward to this weekend where we don't have anything planned. I'll be glad waking up Saturday morning and laying around with my husband and getting things done around the house. But the next weekend....IT'S ON! We're going back to SA, Decemer's End is playing in the semi-finals for Summer Sounds and I'm so excited for them! I'm also glad we're going to get to stay more than 24 hours this time. Stoked.

Y'all have a good night. I'm going to think for a while, talk to Jesus, possibly sleep. We'll see. <3

Hey Kids. I don't really know why I started a blog...I'm really bad at updating. I was peer pressured. Sunny is my peer and she pressured me. It's ok, I'm a big girl, I could have said no. But I didn't. So now you are all stuck reading about my life that really is not that exciting. Only to Sunny, because she's in it the most. :)

We got back from SA Saturday night, or really Sunday morning, and learned that December's End won the first round of Summer Sounds!! So it's back to SA the weekend of July 24 to watch them win the entire thing! (See how confident I am?) We're staying longer than 24 hours this time...24 hours of my SA BFF is certainly not long enough.

Sunday we went to lunch with my parents, went to see my grandmother, and then went to dinner and fireworks. I had never been to the downtown Houston fireworks, and it was certainly not worth it to me. I know that they had tons more fireworks but they got flooded the night before and so there was only about 15 minutes worth of fireworks. Lame. But I got some good pics. If I could find my camera cord you could see them, too. Maybe later.

Monday we slept in (Hallelujuah!!) and worked in the yard. It's getting there, but there's still a lot of work to do and it's so stinkin hot. We're doing it in shifts. Today I picked up a couple piles and blew some stuff before I was afraid I would get struck by lightening and burn to a crisp.

Tomorrow I'm going to my parents house while Zach is at church and doing some laundry. It sucks not having a washing machine. Hopefully we can get one soon. Payday...please come quickly.

Next week Zach leaves. Again. For the second time in the month that we have been married. It really really sucks. I miss him so much when he's gone. But it will give me a chance to spend some time by myself, with God and my cleaning products. I'm excited, but not so much when I think of the nighttime when I have to go to sleep by myself.

Well that's about it folks, maybe next time I'll have something intellectual and exciting to talk about it. I'll work on it. Love, Peace and Buc-ees.

We went to a funeral today, Zach's cousin Janelle's grandmother. It was a beautiful service and I really feel like I got to know her just hearing people talk about her. It was obvious she loved her family and loved her Jesus. The whole time I was sitting there, all I could think of was that in the next couple weeks I'm going to be sitting at the funeral of my own grandmother. She has just decided that it's her time and if God's not going to call her home right now, she's going to do something about it. So she's starving herself to death. She hasn't eaten anything or drank a significant amount of water or anything else in over a week. The doctor came in and told my mom to basically make her comfortable and that it would take 2-3 weeks for her to be successful. As sad as this is, I am ok with it. My grandfather died almost 3 years ago and she hasn't been the same since he's been gone. They were married for 62 years, all her kids are grown with kids of their own that are grown and some have kids of their own. I can understand she thinks her purpose here on earth is over; and maybe it is. She wants to go see Jesus and her husband, and I really can't blame her. The greatest day is when she falls asleep and wakes up in the arms of Jesus and sees Paw-Paw waiting for her.

After the funeral, we drove to SA to see Mandy and Chris and hang out for the weekend. I am so excited to be here and already don't want to leave. It was as it always has been, we just pick up where we left off. There have already been conversations about when we're moving up here. I can't wait. Of course there have also been conversations about when we're having babies! We're newlyweds, it's bound to happen. We have decided to wait at least a year before trying, but have come to terms that if God wants to give us a baby now, then we'll get through it and we'll of course love to have a baby.

Well, it's time for all night talks, laughing til your stomach hurts, and awkward stories that always end with the awkward cat playing the piano (Mandy will know what I mean...)