Beautifully Broken

My grandfather was one of the most important and favorite people in my life. He was more of a father figure to me when I was little than my own father was because my dad was gone so much. I remember being at my grandparents' house more than my own. There were many a weekend when my parents would go do something on Saturday, take my grandmother, and leave me with Paw-Paw and we would watch cartoons all day. The funniest part would be when Paw-Paw would try to make the voices of the characters we were watching...he was so funny! The car trips with him and my grandmother were so awesome. Paw-Paw would have us cracking up before we even left the driveway.

I remember very vividly every memory I have of him like it was yesterday that it happened. I remember vividly the day he went in the hospital for the very last time. I had had surgery on my knee 2 days before that, but it didn't stop me from going to the hospital. He was having surgery to remove part of his colon because he had colon cancer and it was supposed to be just surgery and then he would be out in a couple weeks and be ok. That didn't happen. He had the surgery and took longer to come out of it than he was supposed to, that should have been our first clue that someone wasn't right. He got a staff infection after being in the hospital for a week and kept going downhill after that. He was moved to a skilled nursing facility after being in the hospital for a month and they were supposed to help him get his strength back, but he never really seemed interesting. We found out a lot of his medicine allergies at that place. After 2 months, they moved him to a nursing home. He went downhill very quickly after that. I had to go back to school at that point to move in to my new apartment and meet with my adviser, so I went and did all that. On Tuesday, August 14 I had a really strong feeling that I needed to get home and fast. So I left Nacogdoches immediately and came home. That night I went to the nursing home and said goodbye to my grandfather. He was non-responsive, and flinched in pain every time you touched him. It devastated me, I think it was then I realized that I was losing my best friend. The next day, I was getting ready to go back to Nac, I had figured I said goodbye and I was going to be ok with that. I was at lunch at First Baptist with my mom and some friends and my mom stepped outside to talk on her phone. About 5 minutes later, Dana looked outside and told me my mom was crying, at that moment I knew. I ran outside and my mom told me that he was dying and we needed to get there right away. We packed up stuff at the church and left right away. We got there and he was on oxygen, my brother was by his side, my uncles were there and my dad met us a little bit later. At 4:00 I needed to go get my car from the church and get something to eat because I hadn't eaten and had to drive back to Nac that night. So I went and did that, talked to Sharon for little bit and went back to Vosswood. As soon as I got back there, I sat down to eat my food and a nurse came and got me and said he was gone. I ran down the hallway in time to see my grandmother laying over his body, crying, and he was gone. I'll never forget that day as long as I live, I remember it like it happened yesterday and this Saturday it will be 3 years.

I miss him more and more everyday and living in his house for the last two months, I have reminders of him everywhere I look. I can still see indentions in the carpet where his chair sat for so long. I can't bring my self to clean the walls because his handprints are on the wall where he had to stabilize himself to walk down the hall. The hall closet still has all his winter coats in it that I just can't stand to go through yet. Even though the bedroom looks different, it is still his bed, his dresser, his nightstand, his room. We have rearranged the house so differently and put our touch on it, but it still somehow feels the same.

Paw-Paw, I love you, I miss you every day, and I am thankful for who you were and still are in my life. I thank you for making me who I am today, loving me unconditionally despite my faults and failures, and willing to help me out in any way that you possibly could while I was growing up. I remember the fun times we had, I remember smiling and laughing a lot, and I remember the sadness I felt when you left us. But I look forward to when I see you again, with no cancer, no cane, no limp, and that same big smile.

I've been way to crazy busy lately, but it's all been with fun stuff! I'll update when the whirlwind that has become my wonderful life slows down a little!